On our own

I came to the tough decision to abandon further ob appointments for the remainder of this pregnancy. I was making myself ill with the stress of disappointing one of the doctors! I have been very healthy this pregnancy, so I am choosing to go it alone. If I feel like something is off, I will make an appointment. I am not even going to the ob/gyn, since I will only be going to the hospital if there is an emergency, all my approvals are in place and in that situation, I would end up with any 1 of the 3 surgeons on call (and the one I was referred to is one of them).

All of my items have arrived in the mail, along with some very good books. I am reading "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth", and another book called "Active Birth", and other books about emergency deliveries, fetal positioning and I even dug out the "What to Expect.." book.
I have never read so much during pregnancy! I finally feel educated about my choices and wish I had pursued this with baby #1 or had people around who could have handed me a book and said, "Read this!" Who knows how different this journey could have been.

I wish it was different, but I am no longer resentful or upset with myself. I know that I have been down this path, with all the turns in it, for a reason. I know I'm not the only one who has walked it either! I'm thankful to get the chance to have another baby, another birth experience, another chance to solidify who I am. For me, the birth experience is one that I identify with womanhood. They are inseparable. It might be the physical test of it, it could be the result of bringing a new life into the world through my own labor, I'm not sure. It is dangerous to say my self identity rests on this one event. That's not exactly what I mean, but to some extent, my self worth, my own estimation of my womanhood does hinge on these experiences.

Beyond that, I am comfortable with what my body has been capable of before and know that when left to do the job it was created for, this body will operate almost completely without my help! That is a comfort! My responsibility at this point lies in preparation - good food, good rest, having supplies on hand and listening to what my body is telling me. That will be the most important part of laboring. I am ready!