One week....

I made the mistake of going to the doctor about 2 weeks ago. I gave in and told my aunt about our birth plans and let her comments pressure me into going to the doctor "one last time". It was a disaster!

I didn't fully disclose my plans to the doctor, but I did tell her that I was just going to "take my chances" when it came time to deliver. She took that as I was just going to take whatever doctor I got when I checked into the hospital. I ended up crying in the exam room, which was good because I don't think she understood how frustrated and overwhelmed I was with how the last delivery went. The idea of having someone else tell me how to give birth and give me pitocin without my consent is just more than I can deal with again and although I had been telling her this since my first postpartum check after that delivery, and all through this pregnancy, she really didn't see how upset I was.

I left her office feeling pushed to make a decision about which local OB would be attending me during labor. She called Dr. A and let him know that I was almost 38 weeks, had not been going to appointments because of some deeply rooted fears about delivery and apparently he sees no reason why I can't vbac again. He also said something like "well, she can do whatever she wants during labor, its no bother to me". Right. But hospital policy dictates what he can and can't do and that effects the woman giving birth! That is no guarantee that I won't end up with pitocin again! Not to mention, I just don't want to have my baby at the hospital! Worse, if I just wing it and go in, my doctor is responsible for not letting someone know my prior history of delivery and the "risk" could get her in trouble.

I was very upset about the whole appointment and being bullied into choosing an ob, being pushed into going to another doctor's appointment at all and then having my husband on the other side, telling me not to let them push me around and getting upset that I was upset! It's not helpful to try to force someone who is already feeling pushed around into making such a big decision (like "do I continue on with my plan or bail out now and get an ob?"), especially when your main concern is not your wife or her feelings, but the idea of someone else being in control of your child's future! Men do not know what it's like to have a doctor telling them what they need to do, being in control of the whole pregnancy and delivery, from the first pelvic exam, thru every test and conversation weighted with scary statistics and "what ifs"! They don't know so they forget that really, this is all about the woman being in control of her own body and labor!

I know he will be great during labor and delivery, but it was maddening to have that all hit in one day.

Since then, family members have been offering to take the other kids "while we are at the hospital" and I have used that opportunity to tell them we plan on staying home and having the kids stay too, barring any emergencies. My mom was very receptive to the idea and far more understanding than I thought she would be. My father in law thought that my husband delivering the baby was a great idea, after all, "people have been having babies for centuries without doctors". It has been good to have their support.

With only a week until my due date, I am more resolved to stay home. I had a few days of worry and stress after that appointment, but I have not called the ob for an appointment and as long as I don't go to far over my date, I won't. I have even started getting baby clothes set aside. Want to know a secret? I think it might be a girl, too. The reality that there will be a new baby soon and I will no longer be pregnant is starting to sink in and I'm finally getting ready. I would appreciate prayers during this time. For peace in our home, preparedness, safety and a healthy baby. Thanks for reading! Maybe next week I can post about our new little one :)